Don't Hold Your Breath

For the past week or so, I've been coughing a little more and feeling generally tight. We'd been titrating down my steroid dose, so some of this is expected. It got to the point where I didn't want to go any lower on my steroids, and I emailed my docs how I was feeling, and I mentioned that it might be time for IV antibiotics. About 10 minutes later, I get a phone call from the home care company that would be delivering my IV meds and supplies. Talk about instant gratification!

A nurse came to my house this morning, accessed my port, took my vitals, filled out the necessary paperwork, and left all within a half-hour. I love having a Port. Life before Port would've had me pack up my things, go to the hospital, get a peripheral IV while I wait for the team to put in a PICC line, and stay cooped up in a hospital bed for at least a week. Now, it's a quick visit from a nurse, and I'm basically back to my normal routine without anyone being inconvenienced. Pretty stress free. It's nice.

On Sunday, I completed my first painting. It's on a 2x4ft canvas and is hanging above my bed. I've already got some ideas for my next one! Painting is fun. I just have to do my best to not ruin my mom's house.

Poker's been going well recently. I was in a rut for a while, but after reading a couple books and scouring the blogs, I was able to make some adjustments to my game that seem to be working. Thank god, cause it was getting hard to stay positive. Now, though, my confidence is restored and my bankroll is on the rise! Still just shy of my million dollar goal, but it's only September!

I hope all of you are doing well and enjoying the beautiful weather.

- brian

Some pretty fantastic news in the world of lung transplantation; the first artificial lung was successfully implanted in a young boy with pulmonary hypertension. His lung collapsed while on the waiting list for a transplant, and doctors went ahead with this procedure, despite not yet being approved by the FDA.

"Slightly larger than a soda can, BioLung can be implanted into the chest and regulate the exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide."

Are you kidding me? I've been dreaming about this invention for years. Incredible. "BioLung." Such a good name, too. I would totally buy their album.

Regardless of the outcome, though, I have so much awe and respect for the doctors, families, and patients willing to put it on the line to advance medicine for everyone. It just so happens that the boy is doing so well, that he's not even on the transplant waiting list anymore. Hopefully, the FDA can fast track this one and improve a lot of lives.

Given my decision not to have a transplant at this time, I'm sure it comes as no surprise to hear that I'll be looking forward to seeing more positive results before getting too excited, but I'm hopeful nonetheless.

Also, parents don't let your children near this man:

Also, this might be the cutest and most genius thing I've seen in a long time:

- brian

Life is suffering. At least, that's what the Buddhists will tell you. The only consolation is that nothing is permanent, and one day we can escape this miserable cycle of life/death/rebirth. Judeo-Christian dogmas preach that after this life there is an eternal afterlife, and in Heaven, we'll have the ultimate happiness beyond even our wildest imaginings. Then, there are the Nihilists, who believe that religions themselves are our own constructions built to aid our avoidance of the bleak reality that nothing matters.

Regardless of creed, escape is a major theme in our lives. Think about your favorite things to do. How many of them are about escaping from your everyday life? When I think about it, I've spent most of my life trying to escape. Video games, movies, role-playing, drinking, even drugs; all ways to put my mind somewhere else. These days my biggest escape is poker. It never really occurred to me until recently, but when I play poker, I'm in a different world; a world where I don't have to think about my CF or other things I should be doing to get healthier. But such is the way with any hobby, really.

Someone close to me passed away yesterday. When I heard the news, all I wanted to do was go to sleep or play poker. The last thing I wanted to do was sit around and think about it. I had to escape. The irony is that he was just trying to escape, too. Whether it was some great sadness or just ordinary, dull existence, I don't know, and, frankly, it doesn't even matter at this point. It does make me think about how often in my life I've just not wanted to be in it. Not dead, just away. I imagine that's what he wanted.

Escape seems to be hardwired in us. All of our dreams and imaginations are ways to step out of reality. We need it. Life would really suck without it. It's also important to be here, though. I'm learning this a little more with every "borrowed" day. I've started to face the things I've spent my life trying to escape from. It's good. I feel like I'm learning more about myself and life, in general. I'm not going to stop trying to escape, and I wouldn't suggest that to anyone, but I would suggest that we at least recognize when we're trying to get away and what we're getting away from.

If we're not living now, then we'll never have lived at all.

- brian

Four reasons to go see The Expendables:

1. The entire cast -

It does not disappoint. Jason Statham joined the ranks of the greats, and Ivan Drago comes out for another round. I've had dreams like that. Not gay ones.

2. The sound of Sylvester Stallone's truck -

Its violent purr made me soil my pants.

3. Terry Crew's gun -

There isn't an ass it doesn't kick.

4. Gary Daniel's last scene -

I loved him in the live action Fist of the North Star and countless other made-for-cable movies, so I was siked for a big fight scene with him. Suffice it to say he ends up scuffling with Jet Li and Jason Statham. Sounds like a real pain in the neck. Get it? Get it?

- brian

ps - I saw Kick-Ass, and that was really good. You should see it.

It was a year ago today that I was in the emergency room putting forth my best effort just to breathe and summoning my family from around the country, because I was dying. Needless to say, I didn't, and although I've come a long way, that time reminds me of how temporary and special this life is.

It's amazing to think that when things were looking grim, all I wanted to do was go to a movie and have dinner out. At the time it was a lofty goal. Before I could do any of that again, I had to first re-learn to walk! Dinner and a movie remained my goal throughout my recovery, and I'm happy to say that I've achieved that goal many times over. I go out to dinner and the movies on nearly a weekly basis. Not to mention the other activities that we thought I'd never do again.

So much has happened in this passed year. I moved back home to New Jersey. We got the cutest puppy ever, Lily. Friends got engaged. Countless visitors to provide me with laughter and warmth. Pumps. Final Fantasy XIII. Much needed quality time with family. A wild vacation back up to Boston. A relaxing vacation at a spa resort. A new desk. A blog. Avatar. And so much more.

"Borrowed time" is a phrase people use for their lives after an experience that should've killed them, as if the time they had been allotted - by God or Fate or whatever - had expired, and now the time they spent living was taken from somewhere else. It pretty much conveys how I feel about my life these days. Not that I believe that "my time was up", or that anything supernatural or paranormal happened, but I was prepared to die. When I realized that I wasn't checking out just yet, it made me appreciate this time as if it were borrowed from somewhere or someone else.

I couldn't have come this far without my mom. She's been incredible at taking care of me and getting me to take care of myself. It might have been a little bumpy when I first moved home, but now I think she's a great roommate :)

Also, I couldn't of done this without you, my friends and family. I hope you know that you gave me the reason to live. You keep my will strong, and when I start to get down, I think about you and I feel better. So, today, on the anniversary of the beginning of my borrowed time, know that you're in my thoughts.

Love,

- brian